IDOLiZE

 

 

  • Unplug the refrigerator.
  • Turn the oven on.
  • Rearrange the furniture. (Turn a bedroom into a dining room, and vice versa.)
  • Hide the remote.
  • Hide the television.
  • Hide the pets.
  • Change the answering machine message.
  • Turn off the answering machine.
  • Change the speed dial numbers.
  • Change the alarm clock time to twelve hours earlier.
  • Add an extra goldfish to the goldfish bowl.
  • Leave a condom wrapper under a sofa cushion.
  • Make yourself a meal. Be polite and wash the dishes.
  • See how much pay-per-view porn you can order in one day.
  • Set the TiVo to record nothing but infomercials.
  • Leave a note on their computer that says “Thanks for the files.”
  • Leave a note anywhere that says “I’ll be back.”
  • Leave a note listing a website address. Set up a website and post a photo of yourself sitting on their toilet. (Don’t forget to wear a ski mask.
  • Replace a crucifix with Mickey Mouse.
  • Install video surveillance equipment. Leave a tape of yourself installing it.
  • Paint “Helter Skelter” on a wall.
  • Replace wall photos with photos of someone else’s family.
  • Replace products with similar products of a different brand. If they own Heinz ketchup, replace it with Hunt’s. If they own Tide laundry detergent, replace it with All.
  • Tie a nylon string across each doorway at shin level
  • Paint their bathrooms black.
  • Paint their mirrors black
  • Paint their windows black.
  • Nail their windows shut.
  • Put a skeleton in a closet.
  • Stuff a pillow with live crickets. (Available at your local pet store.)
  • Hang dead things from the ceiling.
  • Wrap a miscellaneous animal organ in aluminum foil and leave it in the freezer.
  • Empty the sugar container and replace it with Sweet & Low.
  • Fill every glass in the kitchen cabinet with water. (They might not spill the second or third glasses, but fill them all anyway.)
  • Turn off the phone ringers.
  • Leave the stereo, alarm clock, and television volume set to maximum.
  • Exchange the contents of two clothing drawers
  • Grease the banisters.
  • Leave counterfeit paw prints up a wall, ending at a ceiling vent.
  • Put a rubber pickle in the pickle jar. Replace the jar’s label with a label identical in every way except for the phone number for complaints. (I could tell you what phone number to include, but why don’t you figure it out?
  • Call for food delivery. Repeat two dozen times quickly before leaving.
  • Make urine ice cubes.
  • Pee in the shampoo.
  • Take the book jackets off the hardcover books and put them around multiple copies of the same cheap book you purchased previously at a dollar store. If you can get copies of a book with blank pages, even better.
  • Unscrew the light bulbs.
  • Hide the toilet paper.
  • Put their possessions into piles based on color.
  • Make a bathtub full of iced tea.
  • Bring in a small, battery-powered recording device. Turn it on and play a looping recording of a young girl whispering, “Jesus is coming.” Unscrew a ceiling vent and throw it in as far as you can.
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Written by Chris Idolize

Winning Starts Here

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